The last few months have been crazy, to say the least. My mom and my step-dad divorced in May, he is my step-dad but I call him dad because he has been amazing to my sister and I. My youngest brother graduated in June, then left for a year in Sweden as an exchange student. My oldest brother moved to San Diego. Way to many changes for me! In early September my grandpa passed away, and then just 3 weeks later my biological father passed away.
My dad Steve, had been battling alcoholism for as long as I can remember. I knew from a very young age that he would probably die from it. So I thought that I would be prepared. That was far from the truth.
Having to go to Grass Valley with the intent to say goodbye to my father was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It would be one thing if he was in a normal state of mind and we could hang out and talk. This was a hospice situation. He was bed-ridden to a hospital bed at my grandmas house. He was on oxygen and it was very hard to see. The first day I saw him, he could talk but it was hard for him to catch his breath. The whole process went very fast. He came home from the hospital on a Sunday, and passed away very early Thursday morning. I left Wednesday morning, knowing that it was the last time I would see him. I told him that I was leaving, and that I loved him very much. My dad was never a very lovey-dovey person, and neither am I. He was able to reach up and hold my hand, he wasn't able to speak but that gesture spoke a thousand words.
I miss him very much. I would call him and talk to him about his crazy grandsons and he would just laugh. He always was the first person to call me on my birthday because he wanted to be the first one to say "Happy Birthday!" and of course as the years went by he added "you ol' hag!" It is just the weirdest feeling, that he is just not there anymore, just gone.
When you lose a parent, I think it has a way of bringing you closer to your siblings. My sister and I have always been very close, and I think this is just something that will bring us closer.
So needless to say my life is still crazy, and I assure you that its about to get even crazier :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers Day 2011
Mothers Day..A day that at one time, I thought that I would never be able to partake in.
Today in church, my lovely mama Jaime called me out. I was asked to pray over the women that wanted to be mommies, but haven't been able to yet. For those of you who know me, know that this would be WAY out of my box..like miles from my box. But I went with it. I was super nervous and just let the Holy Spirit tell me what to pray.
After church, when my friends were telling me I did a good job. I couldn't help but feel like they were all just being nice! I know that's not right, I just felt that there was so much more I could of said and in a better way.
Mothers Day is a very hard day for me but also a very joyous day. When I was having trouble conceiving it was a day I dreaded. A day that I would watch every other woman out there celebrate while I mourned the fact that I had no baby to hold. Then after I lost Landon, mothers day came a month later. Probably one of the worst days of my life. I remember the hurt I felt in my heart, its a hurt that is like no other. Some of you might say that I shouldn't think of the hurt but of the joy that my kids bring me now. I think its important to remember how you felt in a time of pain, to realize how much God has done to take that pain away. Because He is the only reason I do not feel that pain anymore. I hope that makes sense.
A few years before I was born, my parents had a baby boy named Travis. Travis was still born. Obviously my parents were devastated. And I think it was the reason behind the way they live there lives now. My father is an alcoholic and my mom has been dealing with substance abuse. They have been this way for as long as I can remember. They had no relationship with God, they had no church family to lead them. They did not know the love of the Father and all of its healing ability. They were dragged into this life of guilt, mourning and sadness that seeped into there every being. It was always there like the elephant in the room. When something bad happens, you have a choice. You happen to life, life doesn't happen to you.
Yes, I mourned the death of Landon, but I didn't let the mourning take over. Was that hard? Absolutely!! I couldn't have done it alone. I had plenty of breakdowns. Its a hard situation to explain unless you have been there, which I pray that no one ever has to be there.
Ultimately you are in charge of your destiny. God has plans for you but you need to read the blue prints. Someone told me one time, its hard to see where your boat is going if you are always bailing out water. When bad things happen its how you react in that moment that will affect the impact it has on your life. So when mothers day comes, I choose to celebrate life and count my blessings :)
Today in church, my lovely mama Jaime called me out. I was asked to pray over the women that wanted to be mommies, but haven't been able to yet. For those of you who know me, know that this would be WAY out of my box..like miles from my box. But I went with it. I was super nervous and just let the Holy Spirit tell me what to pray.
After church, when my friends were telling me I did a good job. I couldn't help but feel like they were all just being nice! I know that's not right, I just felt that there was so much more I could of said and in a better way.
Mothers Day is a very hard day for me but also a very joyous day. When I was having trouble conceiving it was a day I dreaded. A day that I would watch every other woman out there celebrate while I mourned the fact that I had no baby to hold. Then after I lost Landon, mothers day came a month later. Probably one of the worst days of my life. I remember the hurt I felt in my heart, its a hurt that is like no other. Some of you might say that I shouldn't think of the hurt but of the joy that my kids bring me now. I think its important to remember how you felt in a time of pain, to realize how much God has done to take that pain away. Because He is the only reason I do not feel that pain anymore. I hope that makes sense.
A few years before I was born, my parents had a baby boy named Travis. Travis was still born. Obviously my parents were devastated. And I think it was the reason behind the way they live there lives now. My father is an alcoholic and my mom has been dealing with substance abuse. They have been this way for as long as I can remember. They had no relationship with God, they had no church family to lead them. They did not know the love of the Father and all of its healing ability. They were dragged into this life of guilt, mourning and sadness that seeped into there every being. It was always there like the elephant in the room. When something bad happens, you have a choice. You happen to life, life doesn't happen to you.
Yes, I mourned the death of Landon, but I didn't let the mourning take over. Was that hard? Absolutely!! I couldn't have done it alone. I had plenty of breakdowns. Its a hard situation to explain unless you have been there, which I pray that no one ever has to be there.
Ultimately you are in charge of your destiny. God has plans for you but you need to read the blue prints. Someone told me one time, its hard to see where your boat is going if you are always bailing out water. When bad things happen its how you react in that moment that will affect the impact it has on your life. So when mothers day comes, I choose to celebrate life and count my blessings :)
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