One of the pictures I have from my childhood shows me on my dads lap and he is helping take a drink of beer. The picture is cute, I won't deny that. Seeing my dad with a beer in his hand was a normal thing, it was like a normal appendage for him.
I knew from a very young age that my dad had a drinking problem. I tried everything I could think of to try to persuade him to stop. I remember one time I told him he wasn't allowed to drink beer if I was in the room. That one didn't last very long. I would dread the phone calls from him where I could tell that he was very drunk. He seemed to only tell me he loved me when he had been drinking. Now that he is gone, I miss it and I would take a drunk phone call just to be able to hear his voice.
Around the summer of 2003 is when his health started showing signs of deteriorating. He began having seizures. We believed these seizures were a result of alcohol withdrawal. He would go on binges where he would drink very heavily and then not drink, his body would go into shock. He was told by his doctor that the drinking had to stop. It did not stop and the seizures continued. He dealt with pancreatitis, multiple hospital stays and continued seizures. My sister became his caretaker when she moved to the same town. She dealt with a lot as he was very grumpy at times! It is hard to try and help someone that doesn't want to do what needs to be done.
In 2008, I was living in Elk Grove. My dad was somewhere with my Uncle and he had a seizure. He was taken to the hospital via ambulance. I showed up at the ER to take him to my house to rest. While I was waiting for him he had another seizure. This was the first one I had seen. It was terrifying. I took him to my house and he was able to get some rest. He was sitting on my couch talking to me and ended up having another seizure. When he came out of it he had no idea who I was or where he was. What he did next broke my heart. Not knowing who I was, he took out his wallet and showed me a picture of myself and my sister. He said, "These are my babies..."
My dad struggled with seizures and other health issues until he died in September of 2011. He fell down some stairs and it caused some internal bleeding. He lost a lot of blood but the doctors could not operate because he wouldn't survive the surgery. (Family, if I am wrong about those details-Forgive me..lol) He went home from the hospital into hospice care. My cousin Holly was a complete angel and took care of everything, my sister and I are forever grateful to her.
When my dad died I was extremely angry. In my mind I felt like he had made a choice a long time ago that his alcohol was more important than my sister and I. He wasn't going to be around to see his grand kids grow up because he would rather drink. It made me rethink my position on alcoholism being a disease. I used to think that alcoholism was a choice and that you could quit anytime if you just made the right choice. Alcoholism completely took over my dad. He was powerless after a certain point. I could see the anguish it caused him because if he had complete control, he would have chosen to live. He would have chosen to be around to watch his grand kids grow up, and to see his beloved team, the Seattle Seahawks, win the Super Bowl. He'd choose to be around to rub it in my face because I am a 49er fan!
His death has caused some issues with my self-worth. If my dad didn't choose me, why would anybody else? Its been really hard to process. I know that he loved us and he would have moved Heaven and earth to make sure that my sister and I were taken care of.
I guess the point of this blog would be to encourage someone who is my position. You are loved, you are a loved daughter or son that has value.
If someone reading this has a drinking problem, get the help you need. Talk to someone. You are loved and you have value.
