When I decided to become a surrogate I really wanted to be able to do it twice. Whether it be carry twice for one family or carry for two different families. I had baby Zachary via c-section so for safety reasons doctors require you to wait one year before having another IVF transfer or pregnancy. I used that year to take care of myself. The day I had Zachary I was the heaviest I have ever been. The main goal of my "year off" was to lose weight and get back into shape. I felt like I did well during that year off, as well as I could anyway :)
In September of 2013 I began the process of picking a new couple. After reading a few profiles I decided on a couple. I knew going into it that this couple could possibly be difficult. I was their 2nd surrogate. After the mom had tried IVF herself a few times, she ended up losing both her tubes. That is when they turned to surrogacy. They had a surrogate before me that had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy. That surrogate decided to move on. That is when I came in. They had 2 embryos left that were genetically theirs (Sperm from dad, egg from mom). We planned on transferring both embryos in January 2014. Transfer time came and my first blood test was perfect. It was a really good number and the mom was really hopeful. My second blood test was not so great. Instead of the number going up, it had gone down. Indicating that the pregnancy was not healthy. Since that was the last of their embryos they had to find an egg donor. From January 2014 until February 2015 I had IVF transfers back to back, 6 in total. I actually had 7 cycles of meds, one of the transfers the doctor "misplaced" the embryo in my cervix and I had to stop all meds.
In February 2015 my last cycle with the couple ended with me having a d&c from the result of a blighted ovum, meaning everything was growing except a baby. After that cycle I made the hard decision to walk away from the couple. It was rough and after my d&c I never heard from them again. Which is fine because I know they have had a rough time and I wish them nothing but the best. It took some time for me to heal after the d&c and get myself back to normal. In May 2015 I decided to try to help Zachary become a big brother. We had some bumps in the road but in August 2015 we had our first transfer with 2 embryos. My first blood test came back really low. Anything above a 5 is considered pregnant and mine came back at 3. It sounded like it was a chemical pregnancy, or a very early miscarriage. My couple had no embryos left so they had to do another egg retrieval. I felt so bad for my IM (intended mother) because I know the egg retrievals are pretty painful. They got a good amount of eggs and ended up with a good amount of embryos.
In November 2015 we had our 2nd transfer. My first blood test came back positive. My levels continued to rise and we were all hopeful. Before I made it to 6 weeks I started bleeding and ended up in the ER. The ultrasound showed a gestational sac but it was still too early to see anything else. I had my levels checked the next day and it had gone down, which was not a good sign. I went to UCSF for an ultrasound and it was confirmed that I was going through a miscarriage. Going through a painful miscarriage like that was hard enough but it just happen to be Christmas Eve which made it that much worse. After that we did some additional testing on me to make sure there wasn't anything going on that we didn't know about. Those tests came back normal so we decided to go forward with another transfer.
I went into this last cycle with a different mindset. I knew in my heart that it was going to be my last one. I was either going to deliver a baby in 9 months or have a negative result and be done with surrogacy all together. After having so many failed cycles it doesn't make me look to good. I know there is nothing wrong with me, tests have shown that, but that is just how to surrogacy world works. I knew I was capable of having children. There are 3 of them running around my house now.
We had our next transfer in March 2016. Like the transfer before, my blood test came back positive. My levels continued to rise. This time I made it to our 6 week ultrasound and we saw a baby with a heartbeat! We went back 2 weeks later for another ultrasound and again saw a bigger baby with a stronger heartbeat. I was then released to my OB doctor. I had my first appointment with him when I was 10 weeks along and again saw a growing baby with a strong heartbeat. I had my own doppler that I could use at home to listen to baby's heartbeat. When I was 11 weeks along I was able to find baby's heartbeat at home. I was finally able to breathe a little, it was going to be OK!
On May 31st I was scheduled to have my first trimester screening which included an ultrasound and blood work. The parents and Zachary were in town and able to be there for the ultrasound. That day I felt like the world just stopped. The ultrasound tech said that they weren't able to see a heartbeat. I was numb. I had JUST listened to the heartbeat on Sunday night and it was nice and strong. The baby was measuring 12 weeks 1 day, which tells us that his heart must have stopped recently. I was laying on the table completely frozen. I had no idea what to do. I called my doctor and they told me to come in. I ended up having a d&c the next day. As of right now I am still recovering. I think because I was further along that the recovery is a little more intense.
It is so hard to be in the pregnancy mindset and then all of a sudden that goes away and your mindset has to change. I went from being over the moon happy to completely defeated in a matter of seconds. My heart was broken for my intended parents. I know there was nothing that I could have done to cause this but as surrogate that is the first place my mind goes. I blame myself. I know in my heart that if my IPs decide to try again, it won't be with me. In the eyes of the fertility doctor at UCSF I am the issue. Like I said before, that is just how the surrogacy world works and I have to be OK with that. I want nothing more than for my couple to get their 2nd baby, they deserve nothing but the best.
How do I move on? Am I supposed to move on? Am I supposed to carry a 2nd baby for someone? I feel like the choice isn't mine to make. I feel like my history makes the choice for me, that I am "damaged goods" that no one in their right mind would entrust me to carry their child.
My body is tired. My body is tired of being manipulated by IVF medications. I have forgotten what normal feels like, but I still have that deep desire to help this family. Life is all about seasons. I know seasons change but being in between seasons is a difficult spot to be in. I wish it didn't have to end like this. I envisioned it ending with me handing my couple their 2nd baby boy. I go back and forth thinking that its time to move on and focus on me, but to me that sounds selfish. I am not used to focusing on myself. I guess I am just scared of the unknown. But I hope people know that I tried. I tried so very hard. There are just some things that are out of my control.
I want to end by saying that everything that I have been through has been worth it and I would do it all over again. Every time I see a picture of Zachary my heart jumps. Every time I see him with his family and see how much joy he brings his parents, it warms my heart. Not many people can say that they helped someone create a family the way I can. So I guess I accomplished what I wanted. I helped bring an amazing little boy into this world.
