March 29th 2013 will mark 6 years since we lost our precious
Landon Elias Nally. There is rarely a day that I do not think about him, miss
him, or think about what he would look like (although judging by my boys now,
he would probably look a lot like his daddy). Just like I remember every detail
of when my 3 boys were born, I also remember every detail of that very long
weekend. I'd like to share, if you'd like to read. :)
I woke up on Thursday to get ready for my 6 month checkup. Stephen had the day off, but was at work putting a lowering kit on our Chrysler. My mom was going to go to my appointment with me. Since I had a previous miscarriage, I had purchased a fetal Doppler to use at home. The night before my appointment, I listened to Landon's heartbeat. It was something I did regularly, to help put me at ease.
I left for my 9 am appointment. It was exactly 6 months into my pregnancy. I got called into the exam room, and started talking with the nurse. She informed me that the next few appointments were going to be with the other doctors in the office, so I could get to know them. It was also time to schedule the glucose test. She took my blood pressure and weighed me, and said that the midwife would be right in. The midwife came in and chatted for a minute and then she said to go ahead and lay back so we can get the baby's heartbeat. No big deal, right? I had just listened to him last night. So not being able to hear it was something that NEVER crossed my mind. I had passed the 3 month mark, the scary time in pregnancy, it was smooth sailing after that point.
She put the little wand on my belly and started searching. After a few minutes, this unbelievably heavy feeling landed on me like huge anvil. What is going on? He is probably just in a weird position, right? Now the weird thing was that my mom was with me. A few years before I was born, my mom was pregnant with my older brother, Travis Alan Anaya. When she was 9 months pregnant with him, I believe her placenta separated and Travis passed away in the womb. She even was seen in the same doctor’s office as I was, some of the same employees were still there. When the midwife could not hear the heartbeat, my mom freaked out. Which I will say now, was not helpful at all. But those of you who know my mom, can understand that it was to be expected.
After we couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler, she asked the nurse to bring in the ultrasound machine. After searching with the ancient ultrasound machine, she still could not see the fluttering heart. I could see Landon, the outline of his body. He looked perfect, but I could not see his heart beating. I didn't even know what to do, what do you do? The midwife wanted to send me over to the hospital to get an ultrasound on a newer machine to confirm what was happening. I called my mother in law, and she called our church. Then the cavalry showed up. I cannot begin to tell you how it felt to know there was army of faith standing with me, not behind me, but right next me. An amazing woman named Amanda, walked with me from the doctor’s office to the hospital. All the while, speaking declarations of life over myself and Landon. Even though I was in a blur, I remember those words.
Once at the hospital, I went back and had the ultrasound. I kept asking, "where's the heart? Is it beating? Is he ok?" Of course, the ultrasound tech could not tell me anything. Amanda was in there with me, so was Justin and my mother in law Pauline. Like I said, I remember every detail, the support I had was absolutely amazing. After the ultrasound I had to walk back to the doctor’s office. During that time, my mom had called Stephen at work and told him to get to the doctor’s office right away, that something was wrong and we couldn't find Landon's heartbeat. When I got back to the doctor’s office, Stephen was just pulling up or more like sliding in sideways while pulling the e-brake and running to my side. He walked up to me and got down on his knees. He started yelling at my stomach, declaring life over Landon. It didn't matter that there were like 4 other women in that waiting room. At that point, I lost it. Why was this happening? What did I do wrong?
Stephen went back with me to see the doctor again and get the results of the ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed that Landon's heart had stopped beating. The midwife told me that I was to go to the hospital to be induced. I was so far along in the pregnancy that I had to deliver Landon. I can honestly say, that is when the Holy Spirit took over. I told the midwife that I couldn't do that, that I believe in miracles and that I had to give my God a chance to work. She was very accepting of that.
We left the office with a very heavy heart, but also with hope and an overwhelmingly sense of love. I remember thinking, now what? I had to call my sister. My sister and I are very close, not having her there was really hard. I grabbed my Nokia brick phone and went and sat down in the middle of the parking lot and called her. She, herself was very pregnant with my beautiful niece Halle Rose. I know that her not being able to be there with me was very hard on her. Having her there would have helped, but even though she wasn't I know she was still with me - if that makes sense.
The worship team at the church was having practice that night. So we decided to turn into a prayer and worship session, to go after this injustice. I was able to worship; it was hard but I knew I had to do it. I had to be let go of the anger, I had to spiritually fight for my baby boy. That Saturday we decided to go to Redding for Sunday service. I was willing to go anywhere and do anything. We went to the Sunday service at Bethel, and Bill Johnson spoke about loss. The sermon was about wanting healing, and why sometimes it doesn't happen. Really? What are the odds?
We left Redding that afternoon, knowing that the next day was the doctor’s appointment. We had to go in and do another ultrasound to confirm that Landon was gone, or that a miracle had happened. Either way, I knew God was with me. I knew that someday I was going to be a mommy.
I woke up on Thursday to get ready for my 6 month checkup. Stephen had the day off, but was at work putting a lowering kit on our Chrysler. My mom was going to go to my appointment with me. Since I had a previous miscarriage, I had purchased a fetal Doppler to use at home. The night before my appointment, I listened to Landon's heartbeat. It was something I did regularly, to help put me at ease.
I left for my 9 am appointment. It was exactly 6 months into my pregnancy. I got called into the exam room, and started talking with the nurse. She informed me that the next few appointments were going to be with the other doctors in the office, so I could get to know them. It was also time to schedule the glucose test. She took my blood pressure and weighed me, and said that the midwife would be right in. The midwife came in and chatted for a minute and then she said to go ahead and lay back so we can get the baby's heartbeat. No big deal, right? I had just listened to him last night. So not being able to hear it was something that NEVER crossed my mind. I had passed the 3 month mark, the scary time in pregnancy, it was smooth sailing after that point.
She put the little wand on my belly and started searching. After a few minutes, this unbelievably heavy feeling landed on me like huge anvil. What is going on? He is probably just in a weird position, right? Now the weird thing was that my mom was with me. A few years before I was born, my mom was pregnant with my older brother, Travis Alan Anaya. When she was 9 months pregnant with him, I believe her placenta separated and Travis passed away in the womb. She even was seen in the same doctor’s office as I was, some of the same employees were still there. When the midwife could not hear the heartbeat, my mom freaked out. Which I will say now, was not helpful at all. But those of you who know my mom, can understand that it was to be expected.
After we couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler, she asked the nurse to bring in the ultrasound machine. After searching with the ancient ultrasound machine, she still could not see the fluttering heart. I could see Landon, the outline of his body. He looked perfect, but I could not see his heart beating. I didn't even know what to do, what do you do? The midwife wanted to send me over to the hospital to get an ultrasound on a newer machine to confirm what was happening. I called my mother in law, and she called our church. Then the cavalry showed up. I cannot begin to tell you how it felt to know there was army of faith standing with me, not behind me, but right next me. An amazing woman named Amanda, walked with me from the doctor’s office to the hospital. All the while, speaking declarations of life over myself and Landon. Even though I was in a blur, I remember those words.
Once at the hospital, I went back and had the ultrasound. I kept asking, "where's the heart? Is it beating? Is he ok?" Of course, the ultrasound tech could not tell me anything. Amanda was in there with me, so was Justin and my mother in law Pauline. Like I said, I remember every detail, the support I had was absolutely amazing. After the ultrasound I had to walk back to the doctor’s office. During that time, my mom had called Stephen at work and told him to get to the doctor’s office right away, that something was wrong and we couldn't find Landon's heartbeat. When I got back to the doctor’s office, Stephen was just pulling up or more like sliding in sideways while pulling the e-brake and running to my side. He walked up to me and got down on his knees. He started yelling at my stomach, declaring life over Landon. It didn't matter that there were like 4 other women in that waiting room. At that point, I lost it. Why was this happening? What did I do wrong?
Stephen went back with me to see the doctor again and get the results of the ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed that Landon's heart had stopped beating. The midwife told me that I was to go to the hospital to be induced. I was so far along in the pregnancy that I had to deliver Landon. I can honestly say, that is when the Holy Spirit took over. I told the midwife that I couldn't do that, that I believe in miracles and that I had to give my God a chance to work. She was very accepting of that.
We left the office with a very heavy heart, but also with hope and an overwhelmingly sense of love. I remember thinking, now what? I had to call my sister. My sister and I are very close, not having her there was really hard. I grabbed my Nokia brick phone and went and sat down in the middle of the parking lot and called her. She, herself was very pregnant with my beautiful niece Halle Rose. I know that her not being able to be there with me was very hard on her. Having her there would have helped, but even though she wasn't I know she was still with me - if that makes sense.
The worship team at the church was having practice that night. So we decided to turn into a prayer and worship session, to go after this injustice. I was able to worship; it was hard but I knew I had to do it. I had to be let go of the anger, I had to spiritually fight for my baby boy. That Saturday we decided to go to Redding for Sunday service. I was willing to go anywhere and do anything. We went to the Sunday service at Bethel, and Bill Johnson spoke about loss. The sermon was about wanting healing, and why sometimes it doesn't happen. Really? What are the odds?
We left Redding that afternoon, knowing that the next day was the doctor’s appointment. We had to go in and do another ultrasound to confirm that Landon was gone, or that a miracle had happened. Either way, I knew God was with me. I knew that someday I was going to be a mommy.
On the afternoon of the doctor’s appointment, we had called
Stephens sister Tori, and let her know what was going on. She then told some of
her friends that she went to school with. A few of them gathered and started
praying. I remember feeling so very grateful to those students. To this day, I
feel a special bond with them. Our middle son Braylon Matthew is named after
one of them. From the moment that Braylon's personality started to emerge, he
reminded me of Matt. I believe that naming your children is not something to
take lightly, names can be powerful!
The night before we had to go back to the doctor, Stephen and I stayed at our house. Since the Thursday before we had stayed out at his mom and step dads house. For one, I wanted to be around people and being around Mike and Pauline has always been something Stephen and I enjoy. I couldn't stay in our house. We had Landon's room all ready. Clothes in the closet, room painted and crib set up. I had just got a bunch of clothes that I had all laid out on the couch ready wash and fold.
I was so exhausted that I just wanted to sleep. The whole weekend, I was on edge. Anticipating any movement from my belly. I was aware of every bodily twinge, eagerly awaiting ANY type of movement from my baby.
When we went to the appointment on Monday, I knew in my heart what was going to happen. The doctor came in and did another ultrasound, and it was confirmed. Now I know that hospitals and doctors don't deal with this kind of thing often, so maybe they aren't sure how to handle it. But this was happening to me, it was very real. The doctor then told me that she would call the labor and delivery unit to see when and if they could admit me. When and if?! I know I wasn't a "normal" patient that comes in to have "normal" baby, but come on. They wouldn't have room for me at the hospital until that afternoon.
When I got to the hospital, they wanted to start an IV and get an epidural in place. A nurse came in to start the IV and was having trouble. I have small veins in my hands. I remember her saying, "Well if you would just relax, I could get a line started..." I looked at her and smiled, thinking that she was lucky I am a very quiet person.
I was admitted at 1pm and they started the inducing medicine. It took a very long time. After I got the epidural, my blood pressure dropped dramatically and I passed out. That was fun, but I knew I did not want to feel anything. A lot of people came to visit me throughout the day. I didn't want it to be a sad room, I love laughter so I tried to keep as upbeat as I could. I loved having probably one the happiest people I know in the room with me, Jenn Stockman. I remember her bringing some worship music in with her, her smile and happiness has always been so contagious.
Growing up, I never had that text book "mother/daughter" relationship. It just wasn't there, and that is another blog in itself! This was a huge factor in my sister and I being so close. All we had was each other, and I am forever grateful for that. Not many people can say that they have that kind of relationship with a sibling, I can. I called my sister as much as possible that day, I know she was there with me in spirit. This was one of those times that I needed my mommy. I had something better. Someone who wasn't biologically my mom, but chose to be there for me in that way.
Jaime was at my side in that hospital from the minute I got there until I fell asleep after Landon was born. When I say by my side, I mean no bathroom breaks, no eating breaks, nothing. At the end, when the epidural wore off and I could feel every single contraction, she was there. When I was hysterically sobbing from feeling contraction pain and emotional pain at the same time, she was there. I honestly could not have done it without her. She was also there when my Syler was born. Stephen doesn't do well with hospitals (that's kind of an understatement lol), Jaime actually cut Syler's cord. I am so lucky to have her in my life!
I was only 24 weeks along when Landon was born. He was very tiny, but fully formed. I had convinced myself that I did not want to hold him. Mostly that was a defense mechanism, to protect my heart and my emotions. My wonderful husband and Jaime convinced me otherwise. I believe that decision saved me from a lifetime of sadness and regret. I will cherish those moments forever. I remember his tiny face, jump ahead a few years and I see the same little face when I look at Braylon. When Braylon was born, he was identical to what Landon looked like when he was born.
Landon was born really early Tuesday morning, April 3rd 2007. I was discharged from the hospital that afternoon. I remember sitting on the bench outside waiting to be picked up, flowers in hand, but no baby. Completely heartbroken, but covered in love and compassion from a God that wanted nothing more from me but to have faith that He would bring me through this. It wasn't a time for me to ask why, which in today’s world is always the first question people ask in a time of tragedy. People need a reason; they need someone or something to blame. If we had the answers to why bad things happen, then why would we need faith, why would we need God?
Only 2 months later, I found out I was pregnant with Zander. I was shocked to say the least. Was it to soon? I was a nervous wreck the entire pregnancy. We know how that ends, Zander is now 11 years old and every time I look at him, it reminds me that God is good :)
The night before we had to go back to the doctor, Stephen and I stayed at our house. Since the Thursday before we had stayed out at his mom and step dads house. For one, I wanted to be around people and being around Mike and Pauline has always been something Stephen and I enjoy. I couldn't stay in our house. We had Landon's room all ready. Clothes in the closet, room painted and crib set up. I had just got a bunch of clothes that I had all laid out on the couch ready wash and fold.
I was so exhausted that I just wanted to sleep. The whole weekend, I was on edge. Anticipating any movement from my belly. I was aware of every bodily twinge, eagerly awaiting ANY type of movement from my baby.
When we went to the appointment on Monday, I knew in my heart what was going to happen. The doctor came in and did another ultrasound, and it was confirmed. Now I know that hospitals and doctors don't deal with this kind of thing often, so maybe they aren't sure how to handle it. But this was happening to me, it was very real. The doctor then told me that she would call the labor and delivery unit to see when and if they could admit me. When and if?! I know I wasn't a "normal" patient that comes in to have "normal" baby, but come on. They wouldn't have room for me at the hospital until that afternoon.
When I got to the hospital, they wanted to start an IV and get an epidural in place. A nurse came in to start the IV and was having trouble. I have small veins in my hands. I remember her saying, "Well if you would just relax, I could get a line started..." I looked at her and smiled, thinking that she was lucky I am a very quiet person.
I was admitted at 1pm and they started the inducing medicine. It took a very long time. After I got the epidural, my blood pressure dropped dramatically and I passed out. That was fun, but I knew I did not want to feel anything. A lot of people came to visit me throughout the day. I didn't want it to be a sad room, I love laughter so I tried to keep as upbeat as I could. I loved having probably one the happiest people I know in the room with me, Jenn Stockman. I remember her bringing some worship music in with her, her smile and happiness has always been so contagious.
Growing up, I never had that text book "mother/daughter" relationship. It just wasn't there, and that is another blog in itself! This was a huge factor in my sister and I being so close. All we had was each other, and I am forever grateful for that. Not many people can say that they have that kind of relationship with a sibling, I can. I called my sister as much as possible that day, I know she was there with me in spirit. This was one of those times that I needed my mommy. I had something better. Someone who wasn't biologically my mom, but chose to be there for me in that way.
Jaime was at my side in that hospital from the minute I got there until I fell asleep after Landon was born. When I say by my side, I mean no bathroom breaks, no eating breaks, nothing. At the end, when the epidural wore off and I could feel every single contraction, she was there. When I was hysterically sobbing from feeling contraction pain and emotional pain at the same time, she was there. I honestly could not have done it without her. She was also there when my Syler was born. Stephen doesn't do well with hospitals (that's kind of an understatement lol), Jaime actually cut Syler's cord. I am so lucky to have her in my life!
I was only 24 weeks along when Landon was born. He was very tiny, but fully formed. I had convinced myself that I did not want to hold him. Mostly that was a defense mechanism, to protect my heart and my emotions. My wonderful husband and Jaime convinced me otherwise. I believe that decision saved me from a lifetime of sadness and regret. I will cherish those moments forever. I remember his tiny face, jump ahead a few years and I see the same little face when I look at Braylon. When Braylon was born, he was identical to what Landon looked like when he was born.
Landon was born really early Tuesday morning, April 3rd 2007. I was discharged from the hospital that afternoon. I remember sitting on the bench outside waiting to be picked up, flowers in hand, but no baby. Completely heartbroken, but covered in love and compassion from a God that wanted nothing more from me but to have faith that He would bring me through this. It wasn't a time for me to ask why, which in today’s world is always the first question people ask in a time of tragedy. People need a reason; they need someone or something to blame. If we had the answers to why bad things happen, then why would we need faith, why would we need God?
Only 2 months later, I found out I was pregnant with Zander. I was shocked to say the least. Was it to soon? I was a nervous wreck the entire pregnancy. We know how that ends, Zander is now 11 years old and every time I look at him, it reminds me that God is good :)
